Have you ever seen those guys who do well in general, but become clumsy when their crush is near? They may even have good social skills, but their crush is simply the exception. They become unable to express their feelings of attraction, or perhaps simply starting a conversation with their crush becomes a challenge. We have a word to describe them—torpe.
Given the clumsiness often brought about by excessive nervousness, it is logical to think that torpes will have a harder time getting their crush go on a date with them.
Is it, really?
Perhaps we just need some tips. To assist us in this endeavor, I have asked for the opinion of four RareJob sweethearts—Gail, R.A., Pau, and one sweetheart who answered on condition of anonymity—about certain aspects of establishing a relationship.
Here is the first:
Q: How important are first impressions? How important is relationship maintenance?
“First impressions are important. Physical attraction is the first thing you notice in a person, the character follows.
Relationship maintenance is important. You need to exert a lot of effort to maintain a healthy relationship.” —R.A.
“First impressions are super important for me because they set the expectations for the relationship and the other person. But relationship maintenance is more important since love should always be based on effort and for it to last, both parties should make a conscious choice to always keep the relationship healthy.” —Pau
“First impression contributes to attraction but most of the time it’s just superficial. (hahahaha)
Maintaining the good relationship is a couple’s work. It’s up to them if they want it to work but it requires a lot of effort and drama… hahahaha” —Anonymous Sweetheart
“I don’t believe in the saying “First impression lasts.” For me, this is only for people who are hesitant to give others the chance to change and prove themselves. But, of course, we all want to give a good impression that will certainly mark on their mind so why not give our best shot?
Maintenance has always been the hardest and most important part in keeping a relationship. If you are only good at first, then do not expect something to last. But, commitment is the key. If you feel committed to someone you like, this will never be a problem. Defining “commitment” is a feeling of dedication and loyalty. In a relationship, it’s a give and take process to maintain what you already have.” —Gail
So what do our sweethearts say? The first impression (the one we’re having so much difficulty with) is important, but what comes next—maintenance—takes more effort and is therefore more important. So we do not need to worry so much about the firsts, as long as we are confident that we can prove our worth in maintaining the relationship. In case we can’t maintain a relationship, then… meh. Perhaps we should just grow up first.
So how do we proceed?
1. Plan, and then just do it.
The first step would be to plan it out a bit. Try answering questions such as:
Q: “How can I approach her?”
Q: “What topics can we discuss?”
A good plan will help lessen the nervousness, and the conversation topics should prove useful in cases of dead air. The plan should be short and easy to remember, because you will be recalling it in a time of nervousness.
Important Note: Planning should have a deadline.
Near the deadline, your brain will most likely ask more questions.
Q: What if…?
Q: How about…?
For all the pending questions past planning time, there can only be one answer:
A: Just do it.
Q: Should I…?
A: Just do it.
Q: What if…?
A: Just do it.
The plan will be there to help, or not. Depending on her responses and feedback, we will just have to adapt on-the-go.
Q: In the course of getting to know you (e.g. interacting with you, asking you out, first date), if a guy didn’t get it right the first time, what can he do to make up for it?
“If it didn’t go right the first time, simply apologize but do not overreact. Just ask her out again to make it up. If the girl isn’t fine with it, you may try to do something instead, like secretly give her chocolates and stuff. Girls like small surprises, too. Find the right time to ask her out again. Otherwise, just let it go.” —Gail
“I think it all doesn’t matter. Effort shouldn’t just be one-sided. I think if the girl is also interested, she’ll make an effort. BUT if a guy is really persistent, I think the best way to make it up if he didn’t get it right the first time is to just simply ask the girl out.” —Pau
“Maybe a date would be a good start to prove himself or a chance to at least know him more.” —Anonymous Sweetheart
“If a guy didn’t get it right the first time, the best thing to do is to basically TRY AGAIN. Try asking the girl out… PERSONALLY. The problem with today’s generation is that we are used to getting things we want with just one click. Try exerting effort for a girl you like, it would be worth it. For me the more old school like giving letters, flowers, coffee dates, will earn him more POGI POINTS. 😉” —R.A.
This goes to show that some mistakes are acceptable, so don’t be too hard on yourself if ever you commit them. The best case is to learn from them, and then try again. Wait. Let us note the emphasis put on TRY AGAIN.
2. Interact and talk to her.
Notice that every one of them basically said “He should ask her out.” It is a crucial step, but the chances of her going out with you without much prior interaction are dismally slim. Interactions can start with simple smiles and greetings, and then proceed to engage her in conversation.
Be sure to introduce yourself in person. This is important, even if you may have previously interacted online. Also, listen intently during small talk so you can already get ideas for your first date.
Engaging in conversations and listening to her have benefits. It can make both of you more comfortable around each other and improve your chances in successfully asking her out, or not. You might also be able to gauge if she has some interest in you, or none at all.
This time, notice that I am hinting that it can also not end in your favor. Why? Whether you receive good or not-so-good responses, if you still want to give it a shot, you will have to perform the next step.
3. Ask her out.
We are already in the most crucial step and yet we haven’t addressed the elephant in the room.
What if she has a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Feeling gutsy? Ask her out first, in person, and then this question should naturally come up in the ensuing conversation. Being committed to someone else is a pretty solid reason for her to reject you, so asking her out without knowing is scary in nature. The advantage is you communicate that you’re willing to handle the inconvenience of being wrong, just to make her feel appreciated. For the guys, that should stand for something.
A more comfortable alternative would be to ask a common friend. If s/he asks why, it is better to be clear with your intentions. You might just be able to get some free help. This step is smaller, so you should be able to do it without freezing.
Going back. Asking her out. Tips:
- Take that extra step to ask her out in person. Just because.
- You should already have a date and a place in mind. It is natural for a woman to expect this from the guy who’s asking. Of course, listen to her feedback and be open to changes should she suggest any.
Q: Any special tips for the guys?
“For torpe guys, I guess, just be yourself. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who’s true to himself.” —Pau
See? Just be yourself, torpe included. Gail expounded on this a bit more.
“There are guys who feel a bit self-conscious when they like someone. They try to pretend to be someone they’re not, thinking that their true version is not enough to impress the girl they like. On the other hand, some guys just have too much confidence in their body. Either of which mostly results to failed attempts. So here are some tips.
• Be yourself.
This may be common but hard to follow. Don’t try so hard. Girls feel it when you’re being real or not.
• Have some confidence but never too much.
Be proud of yourself, but not to the point of being arrogant.
• Be a gentleman.
This doesn’t mean that you have to be her personal assistant. Being a gentleman means having respect.
• Show some interest.
Girls are naturally born talkative, maybe not to everyone but to someone they are comfortable with. You’re lucky if you’re on the list so show some interest. Girls like it when guys listen and pay attention.
• Be transparent and stay honest.
If you like to know her more, you have to let her know you as well. Girls never want to fall for someone untrustworthy.”
Some key points to note: honesty and respect. Without them knowing it, R.A. and Gail actually voiced out the same tips.
“Personal tips for guys in general:
- Be clear. If you really like the person, don’t waste her time by misleading her.
- Consistency is the key.
- Be honest.
- Love unconditionally with no regrets.
Special tips for torpe guys:
- Be yourself.
- Say things with sincerity.
- It won’t be the end of the world if she rejects you.”
Actually, if she isn’t comfortable with the idea of going out with you, here’s a pro-tip I received from a friend:
- Ask her if you may continue getting to know her.
This basically announces that you will be trying again. Many date rejections are really just due to bad timing, so you may want to try again when the odds are more in your favor. If the answer is still no, just respect her decision.
“Enter a relationship when you’re ready not when you are lonely… (charot)” —Anonymous Sweetheart
This light-hearted tip by A.S. is actually the most important before even trying. You try to establish a relationship because you believe you can add value in her life. As your lives intertwine, it is okay to need her at some later point, but one should not start a relationship out of need for affection or something.
If you think you’ll pass such a stringent standard, then here’s a final tip:
- Do. It.
1) Gorgeous female RareJob sweethearts
2) Friends and relatives who give solid ligaw advice
3) Personal awkward experiences