If you’ve ever been stuck for hours in holiday traffic, you know you’d be willing to do anything just to get to where you need to be, pronto. And when you say anything, you mean anything. Even if that means flying above the traffic in the arms of a mananaggal. Or, well, a ‘MananAngkas,‘ if you will. Like this dude right here.

As freaky as that sounds, I’m sure that passengers will try any new alternative that promises instant escape from the excruciating Metro traffic. Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all.

Well, of course the manananggal won’t be enough for the millions of commuters in the city alone. So these other magical creatures decided to do their part and respond to the cacophony of desperate commuters’ pleas in their own fantastic and uhmm… unique ways.

 

 

1. TikbalAngkas or “T-Kas”

 

 

If you’ve ever dreamt of being an equestrian and you’ve also wondered what it’s like to be carried on piggy-back, this is your chance to hit two birds with one stone. This one’s just like your typical habal that can weave effortlessly through traffic, but with the added option of jumping over buildings if the traffic gets too unbearable. And, well, if your stomach doesn’t turn at the thought of heights. With rates starting at one kilo of dayami and some horse supplements, you now have within your reach a transportation alternative that’s both fast and reliable… Well, occasionally reliable (see cons below).

 

Pros:

• Really, really fast
• 100% all-natural and eco-friendly

 

Cons:

• You have only 5-10% chance to get to the right drop-off point (unless you wear your shirt backwards, you know how the legend goes).

 

 

2. Asnamon Tree

 

 

I’m sure there’s at least one occasion where you found yourself screaming “Kung pwede lang, ima-magic ko na ‘yung sarili ko papunta dun!”

Well, now you can, says your favorite local fae-folk from Encantadia! Now that peace has returned to the magical realm and the diwatas’ prime time stint is over, things have gotten a little bit boring for them. And what better way to spend your free time than to find a sideline? Out of goodwill for everyone who has ever wished to abracadabra their way out of traffic, the fae-folk have decided to put the Asnamon to good use and lend it to us mortals. Now, with the help of this legendary tree’s powers, it will only take one Asnamon voyanazar to get you from Point A to Point B!

 

Pros:

• Instant, doesn’t take three seconds
• Very eco-friendly

 

Cons:

• You need to find the right “pick-up” tree (as if it’s not hard enough to find a tree in the city!).
• Pick-up and Drop-off points are set. Only places with trees can become pick-up and drop-off points (good luck finding one that’s within walking distance of your destination).

 

 

3. Son Goku’s Teleportation

 

 

Want instant transpo that does not require you to hunt down the Metro’s last standing trees? Then, you’d best go with Son Goku’s Teleportation services. He won’t really demand much as payment—just one free unli-rice Mang Inasal meal, and you’re good. Also, the process is pretty simple: he’ll teleport to your pick-up point, you hold on to him, and he’ll transport you to your drop-off point! Voila!

 

Pros:

• Instant
• Can accommodate up to three or four people
• He can protect you from all sorts of bad guys (even those from outer space), so you’re sure to have a nice and safe trip.

 

Cons:

• May cause side-effects like dizziness, nausea, and disorientation
• There’s a 5-10% chance of missing your drop-off point, especially if Goku’s already tired (so make sure to always bring food with you).
• There’s a 30-40% chance of you encountering supervillain aliens who want to destroy the Earth.
• Does not operate beyond 6 p.m. (i.e., Chi-Chi’s imposed curfew).

 

 

4. Magic Carpet

 

 

Rather than collecting dust in the studio props room after the box office success of Aladdin, the Magic Carpet thought about cashing in on the worsening traffic in PH roads. Now, you can also experience belting A Whole New World a la Zayn Malik and Zhavia while soaring, tumbling, and freewheeling over the Metro Manila cityscape—but then again, maybe not, ‘cuz you’ll be inhaling tons of smog. You wouldn’t wanna be wheezing all Christmas. Also, this is mass transportation and there’d be a lot of commuters with you, so you won’t really have your moment. Still, though, it’s a pretty nice thing to experience.

 

Pros:

• Mass transportation
• Lets you literally soar above road traffic

 

Cons:

• Not for people with acrophobia
• You’ve got nothing to hold on to, so you’ll likely fall if you’re not careful (yes, I’m still talking about the carpet)
• Uhmm… When was the last time they washed this thing? *achoo!*

 

 

5. Santa’s Sleigh

 

 

Due to the incessant rise in the price of commodities and reindeer food, Santa figured that it’s time to branch out to other ventures. So, the delivery sleigh now offers rides to anyone willing to sit among hundreds of parcels and elves. This ride only operates in the wee hours of the night, so it’s perfect for people on graveyard shifts, those just coming home from company Christmas parties, or those who just finished their midnight sale shopping. It’s just a little troublesome because the pick-up at drop-off points are always, ALWAYS, over the top. Literally (rooftops, treetops, cell towers, etc.).

 

Pros:

• Christmas songs are always playing in the background.
• You get to see Santa’s cute reindeers.
• People on the “nice list” get a discount.

 

Cons:

• Christmas songs are always playing in the background.
• You’ll have to squeeze yourself among the cargo.
• Has lots of stopovers (since Santa’s also doing deliveries)
• Grouchy passengers will be dropped into chimneys (or sent to the North Pole).

 

 

Of course, we all know that none of these things actually exist. But we have all the time on the road to dream of better days—or ways—that we can get to where we need to be on time. And who knows? As we let our imaginations run wild, someone, somewhere, might think of something that may not be nearly as magical as any of these, but will be crazy creative enough to solve all our traffic problems in a snap.

But, until then, we hope that we somehow made you smile through the traffic pain. May the long commutes and annoying congestions not keep you from experiencing the joy of Christmas. Happy holidays!